Snacks and Shit

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2009-11-24T11:36:00.000-08:00

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#441

2009-11-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

"Got a letter from the government the other day. I opened it, read it... It said, 'We want hustlers'."
- Rick Ross, Southern Gangstas by Ludacris

Oh really? That's what the letter from the government said?

Filed under: Didn't happen

#440

2009-11-13T11:16:00.000-08:00

"Ghost ride the whip with your kid in the car-seat."
Roscoe Umali, Live It Up

Before I heard this line I thought simply 'ghost riding the whip' was the stupidest thing you could do. It has been dethroned by this.

Filed under: Worst Dad

#439

2009-11-12T02:24:00.000-08:00

"Your daddy fucked your mamma and then fucked your sister, then climbed in your bed playin' with your shitter. Go 'head, take your belt off and hang yourself."
- 50 Cent, So Disrespectful

I mean... there is simply NOT a sentence out there that is more cold and heartless. But let's try...

1) Hey I'll eat your eyes and mouth while I think about how stupid you are.
2) I'm gonna go to your dad's funeral and fart real loud in your mom's face.
3) Your girl is like a piece of shit that I forget to flush down the toilet and then I also shit all over your house after that.

Close call... close call.

Filed under: So heartless and such a plain old dick

#438

2009-11-09T09:01:00.000-08:00

"We takin' everything you brung."
- Jay-Z, Dead Presidents II

Come on. It's brang.

#437

2009-11-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

"Yayo like its mayo."
- Dolla, Who The Fuck Is That?

You put cocaine on your sandwiches? Or you keep it in the fridge in a jar? Wait, I got it. You have a lot of cocaine just like you have a lot of... mayonnaise? Or... this is nonsense.

Filed under: Lost his mind

#436

2009-11-04T02:50:00.001-08:00

"Everybody eat nails."

- Tech N9ne, Blacken The Sun

Principal: Soooooo... you DO know why I called you in, don't you?

Tech N9ne: ...Because I told all my students to eat nails?

Principal: Well... yeah. I mean... Johnny died.

Filed under: Should never be in charge of anything ever because people would for sure end up dying under his supervision

#435

2009-11-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

"I’m your friend, your father, and confidant, bitch."
-50 Cent, P.I.M.P.

Yeah, you kind of negated the whole sentence with the end there.

Filed Under: Don't confide in this man / Worst friend ever

#434

2009-11-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

"Get out my face, ho. Get out my face, ho. Get out my face, ho. Get out my face, ho. Get out my face, ho. Get out my face, ho. Get out my face, ho. Get out my face."
- Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, Yahhh!!!

Hands down, there is nothing more rude and immature than saying "Get out my face, ho" 8 times in an argument with someone.

Debate team captain: "Yeah well, we just don't want Soulja Boy on the team anymore because of ya know... whenever he starts losing the debate he results in that whole, "Get out my face, ho" thingy that he does. I'm sure you've heard...

Filed under: Worst debate team member ever/so disrespectful

#433

2009-11-02T02:44:00.000-08:00

"Now we're in my house. I took the pants off the wench. The fuckin' bitch had syphilis. I cracked her in the face with a wrench."
- Necro, STD

Soooooo THIS is the most overboard thing you can do if you find out a girl has a venereal disease.

Filed under: Way overboard/obviously going to jail really soon

#432

2009-11-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

'Niggas say that they the shit when they barely just a potty."
- Mims, Move (If Ya Wanna)

Hey, since when is a potty even KIND OF like shit. I mean, you shit in a potty, but this analogy ranks up there with some of the worst ever.

Filed under: Worst analogy ever

#431

2009-10-29T13:02:00.000-07:00

"We own things."
- Rick Ross, Speedin'

Like the worst medallion ever? That's a thing. Is that what you meant?

I own things too. But that's not that impressive.

Filed under: Not that impressive/so vague

#430

2009-10-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

"Watch me make a movie like Albert Hitchcock."
- Pitbull, 1, 2 3, 4 I Know You Want Me

Who's Albert Hitchcock? Is that Alfred Hitchcock's idiot brother?

Filed Under: Needs a research assistant / Simply incorrect

#429

2009-10-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

"Ben Franklin passed away and I was present at the funeral."
- Chamillionaire, Denzel Washington

This didn't happen.

Filed under: Owns a time machine

#428

2009-10-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

"Somebody better tell 'em that we in this bitch like an unborn baby."
- Fabolous, Everything, Everyday, Everywhere

"Excuse me. I just wanted to let you guys know... See those guys over there? I was thinking everybody would be better off if I mentioned that they're in this bitch like an unborn baby."

Blank stares.

"So... yeah."

Filed under: Likening himself to a fetus

#427

2009-10-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

"One, Two... um, buckle my... um, shoe."
- Das EFX, They Want EFX

Hey, just figure it out before you start recording.

Filed under: Idiot

#426

2009-10-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

"Don't be mad at my wrist."
- Cam'Ron, Pop Off

Uh, nobody is going to be mad at your wrist because nobody, in the history of mankind, has ever, EVER been mad at someone's wrist.

Filed under: Lost his mind / wouldn't happen

#425

2009-10-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

"Everytime your bitch burp, you smell my balls in the air."
Crooked I, The One by Slaughterhouse

"Okay, which one of you chicks was with Crooked last night?"

Filed under: Completely gross / So immature

#424

2009-10-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

"Make me the motherfuckin' president... I'll make the White House a ho house."
- Too $hort, Ain't Nuthin Like Pimpin'

There is hardly a sentence that would single-handedly fuck up your chances of being the President of the United States more than this one. But... how about:

"...And that's why I want to legalize fucking on subways."
"That Al Bundy knew what was up."
"I like men, sexually!" (Men only)

Filed under: Worst stump speech ever / Not going to make it in politics

#423

2009-10-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

"Good evening. This is your fucking captain speaking."

- Eminem, Old Time's Sake

"Yeah... you know why I called you into my office, right Captain Em?"

Filed under: Would get so fired

#422

2009-10-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

"Everybody know just who I are."
- Far East Movement, Girls On The Dance Floor

Sigh.

#421

2009-10-09T17:59:00.000-07:00

"If I could rule the world, everyone would have a gun."
Wyclef, Ready or Not by the Fugees

Good thing you don't. Jesus.

Filed Under: Don't vote for Wyclef for anything

#420

2009-10-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

"What you want in your stomach, a girl or a boy?"
- Plies, Headboard

In case you're wondering, this is the wrong way to discuss having a child. I can't even believe he says in your stomach — It's a baby. Not a pizza.

Filed under: Worst potential father / Not romantic

#419

2009-10-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

"Dear Mr. Toilet, I'm the shit."
- Lil Wayne, Money On My Mind

"Respectfully yours, Lil Wayne"

#418

2009-10-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

"You see me around some cheese."
- Dr. Dre, Watch Me by Jay-Z

I like pretending that Dr. Dre actually means if he was at a party, he'd be loitering near the cheese.

Filed under: Simply hungry for cheese / learning English

#417

2009-09-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

"I eat your face like a lunchbox."
Drag-on, Trouble

Hey Drag-On, you don't EAT the lunchbox part.

Filed under: Biggest idiot ever / completely wrong

#416

2009-09-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

"They call me Cocky Balboa."
- Twista, Wrist Say Rocky

Who does? No they don't.

And if they did this would suck.

Filed under: Didn't happen / Just lying

#415

2009-09-15T22:24:00.001-07:00

"My feet is up."
- Kanye West, Brand New

Not after Sunday night they isn't.

Filed under: Had to do this

#414

2009-09-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

"Before I monkey shit on you niggas."
- Busta Rhymes, Monkey Shit by M.O.P.

Actually you probably will just regular shit... even though you probably won't even do that.

Filed under: Weirdest threat ever

#413

2009-09-11T02:38:00.000-07:00

"I love bitches, thug bitches, shy bitches, rough bitches. Don't matter, you're my bitches."
- Jay-Z, Who You Wit II

Uhhh... have standards.

Also, yeah... "bitches" rhymes with "bitches"... because it's the same word.

Filed under: Would fuck anything

#412

2009-09-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

"Don't holler at me unless money is the topic."
- Nipsey Hussle, Hussle Is My Last Name

Friend: Hey what time is it?
Nipsey: What did we talk about?
Friend: Oh, that's right. Sorry. Umm... What time is it right now at the bank?
Nipsey: Ten after two.

Filed under: Alienating too many topics of conversations

#411

2009-09-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

"You're now surrounded by the world's most elegant niggas."
- M.O.P, World's Most Elegant N***a

Hey, let's play "What Word Definitely Doesn't Describe Someone That Wears A Reebok Headband and Gold Front Teeth".

I mean... elegant. He actually said "elegant".

Filed under: Gay-sounding

#410

2009-09-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

"We the BEST!"
- DJ Khaled, We Takin' Over

Not at grammar.

Filed under: Go back to school

#409

2009-09-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

"Get your toilet paper nigga, 'cause I'm fixin' to be shittin'."
- Bun B, Keep It 100

It's actually nobody's job but yours to take care of the whole toilet paper thing. If you're shitting, you get toilet paper ready for you. We don't need to involve anybody extra.

Filed under: Get your own toilet paper / unfair / too many people

#408

2009-09-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

"You fit these shoes, nigga. Put 'em on and tap dance, faggot."
- Shabazz The Disciple, Hip Pop

Here's an example of a way to say something if you don't want someone to listen to you.

Filed under: Worst shoe salesman of all time

#407

2009-09-03T03:39:00.000-07:00

"I fuck the baddest bitches. I don't wanna talk about it."
- 50 Cent, I Don't Wanna Talk About It by G-Unit

When I heard this line I was driving. I literally took my hands off of the steering wheel, my eyes opened wider then they had for weeks, and my jaw dropped open.

"I fuck the baddest bitches. I don't want to talk about it." This is so defensive and insecure.

Oh... my... God.

Filed under: So obviously wants to talk about it

#406

2009-09-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

"It's a motherfuckin' shame how my earlobes hang."
Twista, Wrist Stay Rocky

It's a motherfuckin' shame when a kid drops his ice cream cone on the ground before he gets to lick it. How your earlobes hang? I'm not really following you. That Rubik's Cube necklace though? Now that's a shame.

Filed under: Just saying shit

#405

2009-08-27T14:28:00.001-07:00

"So if you're at a show in the front row, I'ma call you a bitch or dirty-ass ho."
- MC Ren, Straight Outta Compton by N.W.A.

Usually the front row seats are the most expensive. Probably not in this case.

At least with Gallagher you just get watermelon on you.

Filed under: No fan appreciation whatsoever

#404

2009-08-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

"All I do is eat, shit, and think about success."
- Big Sean, Desire, Want, & Need

Filed under: WON'T BE SUCCESSFUL!

D'Elia: Yeah, if you're only eating, shitting, and thinking about success... you won't make a dollar. Unless you're talking about like the "having friends" kind of success... which still doesn't translate. Because who the fuck wants to hang out with a guy who's always just eating and shitting?

Filed under: Basically a dog

#403

2009-08-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

"I'm the kind of nigga that'll kidnap your kids, take 'em home, fuck 'em good, and send 'em back to you in bandages."
- Keith Nut, Watch Out by Fat Joe

OH.

Then you're going to have trouble keeping friends and getting people to trust you and all that stuff. Can you imagine trying to get a job ten years after making this song?

"You have most of the qualifications we are looking for but we're just going to have to go with the other guy."
"Is this because of when I said I'd fuck your kids... and stuff?"
"One hundred percent."

Also, what's up with "Fuck 'em good"? It's not like it's going to be enjoyable for the kids.

Filed under: Worst guy ever

#402

2009-08-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

"Put that mayonnaise on your child."

- Plies, Becky

This is either the most crass way of a man explaining having an orgasm with a woman...

or Plies is the worst babysitter ever.

Filed under: Worst babysitter / so goddamn crass

#401

2009-08-23T15:09:00.001-07:00

"Take a look in the mirror say 'What's up?'"

- Soulja Boy Tell Em, Turn My Swag On

Looking in the mirror and saying "What's up?" to yourself...

I'm pretty sure that's the most depressing, loneliest thing you can do as a human being.

Can you imagine walking by, seeing yourself, and then saying, "Hey dude."

Filed under: So lonely / no friends

#400

2009-08-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

"The Sinatra of my day — Ole' Blue Eyes, my nigga, I did it my way."
- Jay-Z, Hola Hovito

Something tells me you're not all that much like Frank Sinatra.

Filed Under: Not like Frank Sinatra at all / just adding words to his lyrics

#399

2009-08-21T01:21:00.000-07:00

"Keep your posse on my penis."
- Lejo, Now It's On by Tech N9ne

There is nothing gayer... Nothing.

I mean, like, even some gay dudes wouldn't want a whole group of people on their penis.

Filed under: Gay with a lot of dudes

#398

2009-08-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

"They call me the 'Dunn Dunn'... done done it all."
- Shawty Lo, Dunn, Dunn

Who's they?

Filed under: Didn't happen

#397

2009-08-18T12:57:00.001-07:00

"I'm a choo-choo."
- DJ Quik, Ohh!

Filed under: Two years old

#396

2009-08-18T07:02:00.000-07:00

"Move... if you wanna."

- Mims, Move (If You Wanna)

I laughed so hard when I first heard this line.

I mean, It's SO insecure to tell somebody to do something and then say "if you wanna" after it. Like step your self-security game up, Mims.

Filed under: So insecure

#395

2009-08-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

"I use Crest so ain't no cavity creeps in my grill."
- Dr. Dre, Keep Their Heads Ringin'

Oh really Dr. Dre? What else do you want to tell us during a song that we're listening to that's completely mundane?

Filed under: Who Cares / So boring

#394

2009-08-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

"If you wanted to ride my nuts that bad, you should've asked me, mang."
- Lil Wyte, Dangerous Posse by Three 6 Mafia

Can you imagine asking someone this?
"Hey Lil Wyte, can I ride your nuts? I want to really badly."

Filed under: Wouldn't happen / Kinda gay

#393

2009-08-17T12:06:00.001-07:00

"Shine like Rudolph. Nigga, fuck Prancer."
- Ice Cube, Doin' What It 'Pose To Do

Filed under: Probably had shitty Christmases in his youth

#392

2009-08-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

"Ate your pussy imagining you was somebody else."
- Chino XL, Sorry

So yeah... this relationship is pretty much over. And generally, a good rule of thumb: don't say stuff like this on a song called "Sorry".

Filed Under: SO DISRESPECTFUL

#391

2009-08-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

"Young, black, and famous, with money hangin' out the anus."
- Diddy, Can't Nobody Hold Me Down by Diddy

Young? True.
Black? True.
Famous? True.
Money hanging out of his asshole? Nope!

In fact could you imagine if that's true?

Cashier: "Ummm... what is THAT?"
Diddy: "Funny you should ask. You know how I'm black, and famous?"
Cashier: "...Yeah."
Diddy: "All right, well with great power comes great responsibility, right? So, that's shit from my butt on that five."

Filed under: Just plain weird / Coke machines would keep rejecting your money

#390

2009-08-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

"Chain gang, licky with the ban. Quickly spit it rrring. Sicky Ricky get his ziggy bang, snitchin on the gang-gang. Don't forget you get that Uncle Midi. Get him for his chain. Simply give him a chitty bang, sit him in a cling-cling."
- Peedi Crakk, Gotta Have It by Beanie Sigel

Filed under: Uhhh

#389

2009-08-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

"Gotta bomb red bitch that I call Al-Queada. She got some bomb-ass head and a bomb-ass cock."
- Killer Mike, In My City

--RECORD SCRATCH!!!
Producer: (Taking headphones off slowly) "Uhhh, yeah... Mike you wanna take that last part again? You know... the part where you kinda--"

Killer Mike: "Yeah, no I know... I don't-- heh-heh. I just... I don't know why I-- Let's just take it from the top, huh?"

Producer: "Yeah... good... umm... idea."

Filed under: Came out of the closet by admitting he has a transvestite fetish

#388

2009-08-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

"Diarrhea on you niggas like Niagara Falls."
- Gorilla Zoe, Shit On 'Em

Hey Gorilla Zoe, you're immature. Above: Gorilla Zoe trying to actually diarrhea like Niagara Falls.

Filed under: Worst flu / so immature

#387

2009-08-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

"Got 10 bathrooms. I could shit all day."
- Lil Wayne, We Be Steady Mobbin

Here's an example of a line that starts kind of cool (I guess), but then ends up turning into an intense session of trying to acquire really bad hemorrhoids.

Houseguest: Where the fuck is Lil Wayne?
Lil Wayne (calling out from the background): "Gimme til tomorrow!"

Filed under: Would just be so bad for your asshole / worst houseguest

#386

2009-08-12T02:42:00.000-07:00

"You niggas remind me of a strip club. 'Cause every time you come around it's like, "What? I just gotta get my dick sucked."
- DMX, Party Up (Up In Here)

This line should basically be changed to... "Hi guys, I'm gay."

Filed under: Gay

#385

2009-08-12T00:28:00.000-07:00

"Is that your ass or your mama half-reindeer?"
- Nelly, Shake Ya Tailfeather

Uh, good guess... but it's her ass. When would it ever be the second thing?

Filed under: Worst pickup line of all time

#384

2009-08-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

"Rappers I monkey flip em."
- Nas, NY State of Mind Pt. II

Uhhh... what?

Filed under: Lost his mind

#383

2009-08-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

"I'mma tell you like George Bush told me, "Fuck y'all niggas I'm out of here."
- Kanye West, Go Hard

I'm guessing Kanye is probably paraphrasing here.

Because let's face it... if he wasnt, well... we would have heard about it before he rapped it in the fuckin' song Go Hard for Christ's sake.

Filed under: Such a paraphrase / so slanderous

#382

2009-08-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

"Now, one night I was at the drive-in and a car full of niggas straight drove in."
- MC Ren, She Swallowed It by NWA

No shit.

Filed Under: Just saying things that would normally happen / filler

#381

2009-08-08T23:32:00.000-07:00

"Kinda flossy, kinda bossy."
- Ice Cube, Until We Rich

This is so insecure. Oh yeah and flossy isn't something.

Filed under: Doesn't have what it takes to be the boss

#380

2009-08-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

"BRRRRRAT BRRRRAT.... Twitter 'dat."
- Chamillionaire, Internet Thugs Attack

Twittering... NOT GANGSTER.

Filed under: Just.... Not gangster, sorry

#379

2009-08-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

"Hundred dollar bill, that's a C-note. You got ten of 'em, then that's a G-note."
- Yung Joc, So Fly by Slim

Nuh-uh... Nope. No such thing as a G-NOTE. You're just holding 10 hundreds.

Filed under: Not something / Stop trying to make up stuff

#378

2009-08-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

"There was Brenda, Leticia, Linda, Felicia, Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia, Teresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki, Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky, Cookie, well I met her in a ice cream parlor... Tanya, Diane, Lori and Carla, Marina, Selena, Katrina, Sabrina, about three Kims, Latoya, and Tina, Shelley, Bridget, Kathy, Rasheeda, Kelly, Nicole, Angel, Juanita, Stacy, Tracie, Ronna, and Rhonda, Donna, Yolanda, Tawana, and Wanda..."
- DMX, What These Bitches Want

Everyone at the BBQ: "GET TO THE FUCKIN' POOOINT!!!!"

Filed under: Worst storyteller / Just naming girls and saying "ice cream parlor"

#377

2009-08-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

I live by two words, "Fuck you, pay me".
- Kanye West, Two Words

Okay, so first of all... this saying is four words long. So you're an idiot.

But assuming you just mean you live by the words "Fuck you" because those are the first two words you say after "I live by two words"... then I'm pretty sure that soon you will have almost no friends because this is a shitty way to live.

Kanye's friend: "Hey dude, let's go grab a slice."
Kanye: "Fuck you, pay me.
(Kanye's friend in silence)
Kanye: "Sorry bro, you know how I live."

Yeah... Kanye. Soon your life is going to be worse if you keep this up.

Filed under: Most disrespectful way to live / asshole

#376

2009-07-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

"So get up out my face, you doo-doo-head dummy."
- Arab, Yahhh by Soulja Boy Tell Em

This is the normal way to deal with people... in pre-K. To clarify, yes this is actually said in a song.

Filed under: So immature it's unbelievable

#375

2009-07-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

"I'm so Three Thousand and Eight, you're so Two Thousand and Late."
- Fergie, Boom Boom Pow by Black Eyed Peas

See ya.

Filed under: See ya

#374

2009-07-22T01:59:00.000-07:00

"Call me 'Mr. Shoppin' Bag Drizzy'... and call me 'Mr. Damn He Ain't Coppin' That Is He?'."
- Drake, Successful

Nurse at the doctor's office: Okay, Mr.... Damn He Ain't Coppin' That Is He... (sigh). Follow me.

Filed under: Too Long

#373

2009-07-21T22:07:00.000-07:00

"I exchange V-cards with the retards."
- Mack Maine, Every Girl by Lil Wayne

This shouldn't be a sentence that has been said, but I guess it happened now, so...

Filed under: YIKES

#372

2009-07-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

"I'ma be the first hustler that set up shop on Jupiter."
- E 40, Hustle

Nobody is going to do business with you on Jupiter.

Filed under: Too far away / Would die instantly

#371

2009-07-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

"I got more hos than the O-Zone."
- Silkk The Shocker, My Car

The O-Zone doesn't have hos, so this is just bad proof.

Filed under: Would be a terrible lawyer / Bad example

#370

2009-07-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

"Suck a nigga dick or somethin'. Suck a nigga dick or somethin'. Suck a nigga dick or somethin'. Suck a nigga dick or somethin'."
- Juicy J, Slob On My Knob by Three 6 Mafia

Frankly, I think the best thing to remember when ordering people around like this is to just try and stick to your guns and to keep your confidence up in your own plan.

If we took a poll, I think most people would choose "Or something" over the first option.

Filed under: Insecure/Bad team leader

#369

2009-07-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

"Everybody do the 'Throw It In The Bag'."
- Fabolous, Throw It In The Bag

Dear rappers,
Please stop developing new dances and moves that have really dumb names that make me feel more stupid SAYING the name of the dance than actually doing the dance.
Thanks,
Fuckin' Everybody

I mean for real? Do the "Throw It In The Bag"?!?!?!?!

Hey Fabolous, do yourself a favor and throw that jacket and belt in the bag. Then throw that bag in the trash. Thanks.

Filed under: Trying so goddamn hard

#368

2009-07-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

"I love the cutie pies, never the doody pies."
- Guru of Gangstarr, Discipline

Uhhhh... you're seven. See ya.

Could you imagine referring to an ugly woman as a "doody pie" like to other adults?

Filed under: Seven

#367

2009-07-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

"Scored like 10 on my I.Q. test."
- Camp Lo, Black Nostaljack A.K.A. Come On

Filed under: Fuckin' idiot / way too overboard on an exaggeration

#366

2009-07-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

"All black Maybach, I'm sitting in the asshole."
- Lil Wayne, Maybach Music 2 by Rick Ross

This is a really bad description of sitting in a car. And when I say bad, I mean terrible. In fact, there's really only one way to say you're sitting in a car, and it's not "I'm sitting in the asshole."

Filed under: Doesn't know how to use words to say something / Bad around children / Crass for no reason

#365

2009-07-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

"They know I got that broccoli, so I keep that glock on me."
- Young Jeezy, Put On

Not sure what's better... calling your stash broccoli or making it rhyme with "glock on me".

#364

2009-07-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

"The new Benz is all white, call it John McCain."
- Maino, All The Above

Maino: Check it out, there's John McCain.
Somebody: What?! Where?
Maino: Right there, that white Mercedez... my new car.
Somebody: I can't be your friend because you do things like that.

Filed under: Worst metaphor

#363

2009-07-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

"Know a nigga healthy 'cause my Cutlass look like carrot juice."
- Young Dro, Man in the Trunk

Young Dro's Doctor: So let's make this easy. No need for a physical. Where's your garage?

Filed under: Worst reasoning

#362

2009-07-02T06:52:00.000-07:00

"Make your chest look just like some pizza."
- Pharrell, Already Platinum by Slim Thug

So, you're going to shoot me and I'm going to have holes in my chest and those holes are going to look like pepperoni... ?

This is kind of... a stretch.

Filed under: Not gangster

#361

2009-07-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

"I fucks pianos."
- Rick Ross, Pushing Keys

#360

2009-07-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

"You a big fine horse."
- Webbie, Gimme Dat

In case you were wondering, this is something you can't say to a chick.

Filed under: Not going to get a second date

#359

2009-06-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

"Only know one way to be. That's the dog..."

AND...

"I know how to chase a cat up in the tree."
- DMX, Where The Hood At

I get the whole dog analogy. But DMX, you're not actually a real dog. So please... just stop being fucking dorky.

The only thing you really have in common with a dog is that you both don't know how to correctly put on a shirt.

Filed under: DMX is kind of just a fucking dork

#358

2009-06-26T17:10:00.001-07:00

"Tell the women in your family to suck my dick."
- Sheek Louch, Mighty D-Block

No one would deliver this message... ever.

"Hey mom, you know Sheek Louch?"
"No."
"Well, call Aunt Diane here's the deal..."

CUT TO: an establishing shot of a house. We can hear a mother screaming with disgust.

Filed under: SO crass and disrespectful

#357

2009-06-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

"We are not the same I am a martian."
- Lil Wayne, Phone Home

This sentence starts to make sense, so good job on that Wayne. But after that it kinda just crashes and burns and immediately becomes the worst example ever.

Like you can say, "We are not the same... because of how much hair is on your head," or something like that. But not the martian thing.

Filed under: Worst debater ever

#356

2009-06-26T00:04:00.000-07:00

"All my Westside bitches, throw it up, put a balloon inside your pussy, queef, and blow it up."
- Eminem, Medicine Ball

Hey Eminem,

Stop trying to out-disgusting yourself.

Sincerely,
Everyone

Filed under: Graphically overboard / Stop (please!)

#355

2009-06-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

"We could finally fly off into NASA."
- Kanye West, Knock You Down by Keri Hilson

This is so the wrong way to say this. It's like saying, "I'll get breakfast in my face." No wait, that makes more sense than flying off into NASA.

Filed under: Not smart / completely wrong

#354

2009-06-24T02:15:00.000-07:00

"Fuck your cell phone bitch. You could keep that."
- Scarface, Who Are They

It's so weird to be this mad at an object.

Filed under: Probably really mad at something else and taking it out on a phone

#353

2009-06-22T11:47:00.000-07:00

"I can make your pussy whistle like the Andy Griffith theme song."
- Drake, Best I Ever Had

I imagine a vagina actually doing this and then I have nightmares.

Filed under: Most talented dude ever / So freaky

#352

2009-06-22T01:51:00.000-07:00

"Money is my morals. Other than that, I'm soulless."
- Clipse, Ego

Let's get one thing straight, "money" is not "having morals". In fact if you're trying to express how moral you are and money is the first thing you bring up, you're a moron. That's kind of the opposite thing a "moral" person would do.

Rapping these lyrics is basically like saying, "I can't stand sex. Other than that, I fuck all the time."

So when saying "other than that" you actually need to say something... well... other than what you just said.

Filed under: Redundant / Soulless from the get-go

#351

2009-06-21T05:13:00.000-07:00

"R.I.P. to my motherfuckin' mother."
- Z-Ro, Mo City Don

Priest: "Does anyone want to say anything about the dearly departed?"
Z-Ro "Fuck, yeah. I do."
Priest: "No, not you Z-Ro."

Filed under: Worst eulogizer ever / unnecessary swearing

#350

2009-06-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

"Polices think I'm crazy."
- T.I., ASAP

Yeah, he said "polices". This obviously is wrong.

Filed under: I hope this is on purpose / Oh no

#349

2009-06-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

"Less money we spend on bullshit, the more for the weed."
- Juvenile, Slow Motion

Too honest on a date.

Filed under: The exact opposite of romantic / So cheap

#348

2009-06-12T04:52:00.000-07:00

"It's all just a race to see who can grab the most nuts."
- DJ Quik, Intro For Roger

And the winner is... THE GAYEST DUDE EVER!!!

Filed under: A race you should come in last at

#347

2009-06-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

"Gave her a 'Sanchez'... yes a dirty one."
- Cam'Ron, Just Us

I like to imagine Cam'Ron recapping the night with his buddy...

"Let's see, what did we do... Picked her up at 8, went to dinner, really nice place, I forget the name. We kissed a little bit during dinner. Then we walked up the street, got some ice cream, blah blah blah, you know. Oh right, then I gave her a Sanchez... yes, of course, a dirty one..."

Filed under: So dirtball

#346

2009-06-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

"Tell your girls to stop askin' can they talk for a minute."
- Trey Parker, Down Town

Kid comes home from school...

Mom: "So, honey, what did we learn today!"
Kid: "Shut up, bitch."

Filed under: So chauvinistic it's unbelievable / worst teacher ever / bad influence

#345

2009-06-09T03:01:00.000-07:00

"I never sleep, 'cause sleep is the cousin of death."
- Nas, N.Y. State of Mind

This is so incorrect, and a complete lie. Bottom line is... you sleep.

Filed under: Not a saying / trying to make up a saying / not healthy

#344

2009-06-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

"Man, her head was gooder than a music."
- Common, I Poke Her Face

Man, this might be the single worst sentence I've ever heard someone say, and it mostly just made me sad.

Filed under: Worst comparison ever / Extreme English failure

#343

2009-06-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

"I'm Toucan Sam."
- Gucci Mane, Guitar Freestyle

Under no circumstances is there any acceptable reason for a man to say this unless it is Halloween.

If you do, you are insane.

Filed under: Fuckin' so crazy